Celtic’s Reputation

I miss the days of laughing at Rangers statements. The truly halcyon days of Jim Traynor battering out some diatribe like he was sat in a sweat-stained vest with a typewriter and a bottle of whisky in front of him, pausing every two minutes to shout “stop the presses” in a completely empty room.

But how the turntables have unfortunately turned. Now it’s Celtic that like to release diary-of-a-madman style extracts at near 10pm on a Saturday night. Now it’s Celtic that has become concomitant with insanity fiction.

Away from the truly unhinged parts, like “there is a line between protest and deliberate disruption” (there’s a line here for rich people because they prefer protest they can ignore, but for everyone else that has ever spoken the English language, disruption is the whole fucking point of protest!!!), I found it interesting just how many times the word “reputation” was used. I recently read an Athletic article about how modern football clubs still don’t properly know how to recruit goalkeepers. The article mentioned how “today’s clubs are equipped with the scouting tools and data analytics that make understanding a player’s worth simpler than ever” and how it is a far cry from when clubs had “boards […] full of local businessmen and footballing knowledge was thin on the ground.”

Any Celtic fan reading this will probably have done a “huh…” at that last line. Because they would know that, despite being told by Celtic that we are best in class at *insert blatant lie here*, we are MUCH closer to the board of local businessmen that know nothing about football than we are to a club equipped with all the mod cons mentioned above.

We have a reputation for being backwards. We have a reputation for being sleeping giants. We have a reputation for not being run as efficiently as we can be. Our reputation as a modern football club was face down in a bunker at the home of golf long before big double D had some tennis balls rolled in his general direction.

So it got me to thinking. If “the reputation of Celtic Football Club is non negotiable [sic]” when it comes to protests at golf’s hometown, when is it negotiable?

Here are 11 ways Celtic don’t give a shit about Celtic’s reputation… in no particular order.

1. Celtic’s women’s team

Celtic celebrated their first league title win by pushing out their iconic manager through downsizing and negligence, which led to 4th and 5th place finishes respectively. They also got really weird about fan media sites covering the team. Celtic does not give a fuck about the reputation of its women’s team.

2. European progression

The season after reaching Seville (a competition they were in because they were not prepared for Basel in the Champions League qualifiers), Celtic spent £350k on Stephen Pearson and completed two loan deals for Michael Gray and Danny Milosevic (lol who?). The next time they had to qualify for Europe they were pumped out by Artmedia Bratislava. We made the last 16 of the CL under Gordon Strachan and went on to make a net spend of just over £5m the next summer. We reached the last 16 again that following season and celebrated during the next transfer window by signing Marc Crosas, Glenn Loovens, Niall McGinn, Matty Hughes, Milan Misun, Willo Flood, and the Twardzik siblings. We subsequently finished bottom of a CL group containing Aalborg, a club that not only hasn’t appeared in the CL since, but has only managed European group stage football once more and that was in the Europa League in 2014. Since then, we have been knocked out of CL qualifiers by Arsenal, Braga (and then Utrecht in the EL qualifier), Legia (and then Maribor), Malmo, AEK Athens, Cluj, Ferencvaros, Midtjylland, Kairat and LASK. We have successfully managed CL qualification against Helsingborgs, Karagandy (by a baw hair), Be’er Sheva (also by a baw hair), and Astana. The club makes it clear that it has no interest in having a reputation for European progression by a) continuing to operate financially like a Europa League club, despite years of guaranteed CL access, b) openly admitting that the league is more important, and c) lacking the ability to make any timely signings.

3. Timely signings

Celtic, despite being run by a gaggle of boomer businessmen, has never heard of the idiom ‘speculate to accumulate’. It operates on an ultra-cautious model wherein it will only spend money on vitally important players for the upcoming season after our own want-away stars have made their debut for their new club and the cheque has cleared. The club points to the financial mismanagement of Rangers and hides behind the idea that with this Celtic board’s stewardship we never have to worry about getting into such a hole. It’s like if your mum saw a neighbour kid trip and hit their head on the ground and subsequently made you wear a motorbike helmet every time you left the house. Like we don’t need an ‘offer OG Ronaldo a pick any fixture you want to play in’ kinda deal, we just want a reasonable ‘has the signing shook hands with his teammates before getting on the plane to Turkmenistan for a season defining European qualifier’ kinda transfer.

I would go through a list of the players we have signed too late in the summer, but it’s so well known by Celtic fans that we make jokes about signing six players on deadline day, or worse still: hearing the dreaded ‘x transfer window is a really hard one to do business.’ Celtic couldn’t care less about its reputation for mentally late signings.

4. Signing profiles

Ange wanted centre backs that could be press resistant, he got CBs terrified of the opposition. He wanted full backs that could invert, he got Alistair Johnston, a good right back in a lot of Celtic fans’ eyes, but absolutely not an inverted full back. Brendan Rodgers wanted whatever the fuck Brendan Rodgers wanted, he got Michel Balikwisha (who folk online had been saying for months was not suited at all to a team that plays predominantly against low blocks). Martin O’Neill said he wanted a striker that could hold the ball up, he got Duran and Hogh, neither of hogh are suitable in any way for that kinda football. At no point has it ever looked like there’s been a clear connection between the manager and the recruitment. Folk will point to the success under Ange, but the vast majority of those players were brought in because Ange already knew them. Martin O’Neill didn’t need some kinda club synergy to know that Chris Sutton, John Hartson, Alan Thompson, and Neil Lennon would be a success, because he was watching them every week while managing in England. Those days are gone and it’s inconceivable for us to sign players of that profile anymore. That is why the link between what the manager wants and what the recruitment team can offer is so vital. But Celtic absolutely don’t give a fuck about having a reputation for erratic transfer dealings.

5. Nepotism

Celtic love to do nepotism in both the dictionary definition (hiya Mark Lawwell), but also by playing fast and loose with the concept, extending the idea of family to anyone that has played for Celtic, anyone that has played as Celtic in Football Manager, anyone that was born in Ireland, anyone with ginger hair, anyone that likes to Irish exit. Indeed, if you have some connection to Celtic (soft C) or Celtic (hard C), you very much have the opportunity for a job for life. The club needs a new Head of Football Operations? My god man, Peter has a son, who may not have ever been a Head of Football Operations (or indeed had any similar position), but fuck me he has moxie. And more importantly he is the fruit of Pistol Pete’s loins. Need new youth coaches? Maybe go out and try to recruit the best available in your price range? Naaaaaa… give it to Jos Hooiveld or some shit. Conclusion: Celtic don’t give a shit about its reputation for jhobs fhor thhe bhoys.

6. Modern structure

Celtic is a football club that’s run like a 1990s golf club (not quite the ‘grand old lady’ of golf, St Andrews, more like the wee brick shed that you could rent putters from in Cowan Park, Barrhead). It believes in top-down management where everything has to be okayed by a shareholder with under 50% of the shares. It has never employed anyone with the title of Director of Football or Technical Director, and it apparently relies on CEO Michael Nicholson doing every element of a transfer, so much so that emails go weeks without a response. This has recently led to quotes coming out of Celtic that doing transfers is difficult, and we should chill the fuck out (or words to that effect).

I have sympathy for them because I imagine it is difficult when you DO NOT EMPLOY THE RIGHT NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE RIGHT POSITIONS!!!

Celtic currently has a data department of two members of staff, one of which is a junior position. To put this in perspective, Como 1907 in Serie A has more than 60 employees spread across its analytics functions. 10+ of these are dedicated data specialists, serving engineering, science, and analysis. Some are specialist applied roles, like data scouts. This is then augmented by industry partnerships, like Gemini Sports and Kitman Labs, to extend their capabilities.

Again, Celtic’s data work is currently in the hands of… two people.

Celtic tries to compete with properly run football clubs in the Champions League and doesn’t seem to understand that others are playing 3D chess when we are playing… roll the tennis ball. It’s not only a really idiotic way to run a football club, but it’s a disastrous way to run any kind of business. We constantly leave things up to chance, when it would be so easy to set the team up to succeed by just being thoughtful and logical in what we do. You already know when the European qualifiers are? Aim everything you do behind the scenes at that specific date. You intend on spending a few million on a player? Ensure you have as much information as possible through data, that you have scouted the player in person, and that the manager wants them. That’s just rationality. Invest more money on the infrastructure of the club and then you are more likely to spend wisely. There’s nothing fancy about it. It’s not football gone woke, it’s fucking common sense. But Celtic don’t care about having a reputation for fuck all common sense.

7. Managerial recruitment

The lack of joined-up thinking of course spills over into managerial recruitment. Martin O’Neill was one of the most exciting managers in British football when we appointed him in 2000. We were also heavily linked with Gus Hiddink at the time, a sure-fire sign that the massive financial chasm in football had not quite opened. It’s so much easier to appoint managers when you don’t have the huge financial disadvantage that currently exists between the EPL and every other league in the world. It’s when world football shifted and smaller leagues had to get smart with their operations that Celtic started to struggle with managers. We went from *deep breath*:

O’Neill to Strachan (where nepotism flourished and we ended up employing his entire bloodline) to former Celtic player Tony Mowbray, to former Celtic player and current Celtic youth coach Neil Lennon, to nearly appointing former Celtic player Roy Keane, to eventually appointing Ronny Deila (whose club in Norway were affiliated with Man City and whose style of football management was nothing like Keane’s), to Celtic fan and Irishman Brendan Rodgers, to failed Hibs manager and former Celtic player and former Celtic youth coach and former Celtic manager Neil Lennon (every other CV ignored by Peter Lawwell) to City Football Group-affiliated Ange Postecoglou (second choice to Eddie Howe, whose style of football is nothing like Ange’s), to Celtic fan, Irishman, former Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers, to 30 days of Dr Football’s mate Wilfried Nancy, to former Celtic manager Martin O’Neill (who was in competition with Irishman and former Celtic player Robbie Keane, a fundamentally defensive coach that had just been sacked for losing a one-horse race in Hungary).

There is zero logic to the way that Celtic appoint managers. They don’t search for specific styles of play, they don’t do worldwide recruitment to find the best candidate, they ask friends and friends of friends if they perhaps know someone that’s either Celtic-related, Irish, or cheap. Bayern Munich recently went through a managerial recruitment process where they ended up with something like their 10th choice for the job, Vincent Kompany. Can you imagine what it would look like if Celtic got their 10th choice for the manager’s job? Some of you might be saying ‘aye we would probably end up with Neil Lennon again’ and I’m here to tell you we would have already gone for Lennon at 2nd choice and probably 6th choice too. 10th choice would either be double D’s favourite caddy at the place where golf was shat out OR… fuck knows… Bobby Petta? It goes without saying that Celtic don’t give a fuck about its reputation for the same old, same old.

8. Value for money

Celtic TV is extortionate for the quality you get, season tickets go up every year, the food is trash and requires a second mortgage, there’s fuck all internet in the stadium, they release three strips a season, a shit tonne of training gear, and now, weirdly, Henrik Larsson collections. The stadium is in constant states of disrepair. They took our free season ticket friendly away, and the first European qualifier on the ST was also removed. Like everything in the world it’s becoming more expensive to follow football. Unlike most other clubs or sports, the cost to support Celtic goes up, while the quality remains in the gutter. Celtic would rather take a literal shit on the fairway of the 18th hole at cuna del golf, than offer anyone value for money.

9. Fan engagement

I mean… fans can’t playfully try to play catch with a shareholder at the birthplace of golf these days without all hell breaking loose (I looked for a synonym for golf here and discovered that golfers call the putting green ‘the dance floor’ and now I have vomit on my laptop). Celtic would rather not have to deal with fans and would rather we’d refer to ourselves as customers. And not the type of customer that’s always right. The other kind. The peasant kind. It goes without saying that Celtic do not give a shit about their god-awful reputation for fan non-engagement

10. Celtic TV

From losing the picture mid-game, to a full 90 mins without the scoreboard even appearing on the screen. From the audio blowing your ears out to commentators that have used the same stock phrases for 30 years, like you are watching with video game commentary audio from FIFA ’96. That said, it’s such good value, coming in at three times the price of base-level Netflix. Conclusion: Celtic don’t give a fuck about the reputation of its weekly audio-visual extravaganza.

11. Food and drink

Food at Celtic Park is a double threat: tastes like congealed sawdust AND costs like you’re doing your weekly shop at Disneyland. I’ve also been reliably informed that if you don’t get to the ground an hour before kick-off, you have no chance of a macaroni pie. Macaroni pie, a culinary cornerstone, pre-sold out. Like the joke at the start of Annie Hall: the food is really terrible… and such small portions. Conclusion: Celtic don’t give a shit about its reputation for expensive mush.

Ok, I’ll wrap it up.

The following quote appears about halfway through the word vomit released by Celtic in response to the incident at the cradle of golfilisation:

“The reputation of Celtic supporters belongs to the entire Celtic family. It does not belong to any self-appointed group, and no such group is entitled to diminish it in pursuit of its own agenda.”

There will be fans out there embarrassed by what happened. But at the same time there are fans out there, and a growing number as far as I’m concerned, that are embarrassed by the amateur way the board try to run a professional football club. And that embarrassment is felt every time we are ill-prepared for most aspects of modern football. The reputation of Celtic Football Club belongs to the entire Celtic family. And we are being embarrassed by so many facets of the club because a boardroom of “local businessmen” where “footballing knowledge” is “thin on the ground” is not fit for purpose in 2026.